Reflections
by Fenmir
Summary: Elena reflects on how she, Stefan and Damon got to where they are today-and what she has to do about it.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own TVD, or any of the characters. If I did own Damon, well… ;) _

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><p>Elena collapsed on her bed, exhausted. It was hard to believe that she'd been at the Mikaelson's ball 24-hours ago. So much had happened since then…<p>

Unbidden, her mind wandered to Damon—something it had been doing a lot lately. She kept replaying their interaction at the ball over and over again; torturing herself endlessly with the look of pain on his face. She'd always thought that, if she could go back in time and get a do-over, she'd have tried to save Stefan. Fix it so that Damon didn't get bitten, and Stefan didn't have to leave town. Now she knew what she would do; undo that moment. She really did wish she could take it back. Much as she resented Damon going of the rails, she knew that it was her words had set Damon in motion—prompting him to 'kill' Kol and sleep with Rebekah.

Rebekah.

An irrational flame of white hot jealousy, identical to the one she'd felt that morning, shot through her. _Why do I care who Damon sleeps with? _She wondered. She had never cared before, and she knew that it wasn't because he'd been sleeping with Rebekah.

Deep down, she knew why. It was because he hadn't been giving her his undivided attention, like he normally was. She had grown so used to being the only girl he cared about…she was surprised at how much it hurt that he was with someone else, even if it was just a one-night stand. She was disgusted with herself for being hurt that she wasn't commanding all of Damon's attention anymore.

_It's really ironic, this triangle we find ourselves in.._ She thought wryly to herself. She had given everything to Stefan—heart, body and soul. She had watched people she loved get hurt, and she had watched more than her fair share of people (well... mostly vampires) being tortured and killed. She'd given up everything she thought she knew about her life and stepped into a whole new world. One with witches, vampires, werewolves, hybrids and god knows what else out there.

Of course, being the doppelgänger, she was sure that most of these things would have caught up to her eventually. Her dead vampire mother was a descendant of her vampire doppelgänger, who had royally screwed over her vampire ex-boyfriend and his vampire brother. Even if Katherine hadn't screwed over Stefan and Damon, it would still have been a weird equation. Besides, it wasn't like Klaus wouldn't have come for her if she had never met Stefan—he would have. If she hadn't met Stefan, she would probably be dead right now because of it.

Stefan, on the other hand, had given up everything for Damon. To save Damon, Stefan had handed over years of work learning how to control the bloodlust. He'd given up his free will. He'd given up Elena. Heck, he'd even given up killing Klaus to save Damon from dying. Klaus's death would have released him from the compulsion, and yet he had still chosen to save Damon.

_That was the crux of the problem, _Elena thought bitterly. She was glad that Damon wasn't dead, but she resented Stefan leaving her more than she would ever say. A part of her had died the moment Stefan left town with Klaus. She knew it, and Stefan knew it, too. He'd said as much to her that night… the night he'd kidnapped her and threatened to drive her off Wickery Bridge.

That wasn't the only problem with Stefan, she admitted. The Stefan she loved wasn't entirely real. It was who Stefan wanted to be, not who he was. There was this whole other side of him that she'd never known about, and it hurt to know that he had kept so much from her. It hurt to know that he hadn't been able to truly let her in.

She sighed, before turning her attention to the third person in their twisted triangel

Damon.

Passionate, impulsive, sarcastic, self-destructive Damon-who would give up anything and everything for Elena.

That was why she'd shut him down at the ball, she realized. Yes, part of it was that she didn't want to have that discussion with him when Stefan was around. Part of it was that she still cared for Stefan. What it really came down too was that she had been scared. Scared that he would ruin her plan to talk to Esther; scared that he would do something stupid; scared that he would go all self-destructive on her at the ball; scared that his love for her would get him, or someone else she loved, hurt…

… Scared by the enormity of his love for her. She had seen it in his eyes the moment they made eye contact, seconds after she walked in the door. She was terrified of the fact that she had the power to make or break Damon, just by uttering a few words-often by uttering a few words that she didn't really mean.. She was terrified of what he might do to himself if she admitted she loved him and things didn't work out between them. It was why she hadn't let him kiss her again—not because it wasn't right, but because she was scared of what she might do, how she might react. She was scared of what would happen if she admitted that she loved him.

_I'm tired of being scared. _She realized with a start. She knew what she had to do, she just had to… do it.

Quietly she stood and moved about her room, pulling on her coat, collecting her keys, etc. Without really stopping to give herself time to think what she was about to do through, she started downstairs, not feeling the need to be quiet. It was oddly liberating to know that she could just leave. Alaric wasn't back yet, she assumed he was with Meredith, and, of course, Jeremy was gone…

No. She wouldn't let herself think about Jeremy. She had a job to do. She had to talk to Damon.

The streets of Mystic Falls were empty as she drove purposefully towards the Salvatore Boarding House. Everyone was at home, completely unaware of the supernatural drama that had played out that night. She almost wished they were full of people, just so she could distract herself from her thoughts. Now that she was driving, and her head was clearing, she was starting to re-think this.

_No. _She told herself sternly. _You started this, and you can finish it. After all, you were a human sacrifice once. This is nothing compared to that, 'Lena. Get a grip. _

Finally she pulled up in front of the boarding house. The lights were still on, despite the late hour. It was too late to go back now, she realized. One, if not both, of the brothers would certainly have heard her car pull up.

Steeling herself, she walked up to the front door and knocked quietly. The door flew open almost immediately, and she was faced with a shirtless Damon.

He wore black pajama pants that clung to his hips, accentuating his muscles, and nothing else. It was really distracting, and Elena found she couldn't remember what she wanted to say. She really hadn't thought this through, what if Stefan was there? She couldn't talk frankly with Damon if Stefan was around. It was all too complicated. Ugh.

"'Lena?" Damon demanded, concern washing over his features. "Elena, are you OK? What's going on?"

With a start, she realized that she had been staring wordlessly at him, completely unresponsive to whatever else had been going on in the world around her.

"I'm fine," she choked out. He looked at her skeptically, and she cleared her throat. "Can I come in?"

"Whatever," he told her with feigned indifference. She could see the curiosity glimmering in his eyes.

"Damon, I… I was thinking, and…"

"Always a bad idea," he told her. "You thinking never seems to end well—and I mean that in the nicest possible way."

"Of course you do. There are so many nice ways to mean that." She sniped back at him. Why was he making it so damn difficult?

He was smirking at her now, making it incredibly difficult for her to focus on what she had to say.

"This was a bad idea," she said, halfway turning to leave. "I'm sorry I came, Damon."

"There are no bad ideas." He told her, "only poorly executed awesome ones. What was it you wanted to say?"

She laughed, using the moment to regain her composure. Taking a deep breath, she started again.

"Damon, I…"

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><p><em>Ah! A cliffy! Evil of me, no?<em>

_I was kind of inspired by "The Lady or the Tiger?" re: the open ending. What do *you* think Elena's about to say? Is she going to have an actual discussion with Damon about how they feel, or is she going to chicken out? I'm not sure how good this is, so if you think it's worth continuing, you should let me know. :)  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2

I decided I didn't like my previous chapter 2, so here's the revamped one. Personally, I think it's better. In an effort to get it right this time, I basically spent an hour watching Delena videos. I highly recommend it as an activity.

Also, please alert me to any typos you see. I read my stories over multiple times before I post, and I still always manage to miss a bunch of them… :/

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><p>"Damon, I… I just didn't want to be alone tonight, OK? I don't know where Ric is, so I thought I'd come here." She snapped, a tad defensively. She hated how disconcerted he could make her feel by just standing there and staring at her.<p>

"Sorry," he said tersely. "St. Stefan-the-Ripper isn't here right now."

"That's fine," She brushed it off, mentally sighing in relief. This would be so much easier without Stefan around. "I didn't come here for Stefan. I came here because I wanted to talk to you."

"So talk." He shrugged indifferently. She rolled her eyes. Sometimes she forgets what an ass he was.

"Not standing in the foyer of your house, Damon." She brushed past him and moved into the depths of the house. He followed her as she walked towards the living room. _(AN: I have no idea what they actually call that room on TVD. So… we're going with living room. If anyone knows, feel free to correct me!) _

She entered the room and turned, checking behind her to see if he was still following her.

He wasn't there.

Confused, she turned in a slow circle, looking around the room for him. Of course, he was fixing himself a drink. Typical Damon.

He sensed her watching him and glanced up. "I'm here, I just have a feeling this conversation is going to need a drink... or three. Talk." He told her.

She sighed, moving towards the fireplace to stand beside it. She leaned against the wall and faced him, trying to collect her thoughts. She knew she had brought this terse attitude on herself, but she missed… She missed whatever they used to have.

She closed her eyes, and a memory floated unbidden to surface.

"_I didn't want to see you get hurt, okay? I was... I was worried about you." He looked triumphant at her admission, and she wondered why. Surely he knew that she worried about him?  
>"Thanks." He told her, brushing past her and moving towards her door to leave.<br>"Yes I worry about you." She snapped, whirling to face him. "Why do you even have to hear me say it?"  
>"Because when I drag my brother from the edge and deliver him back to you, I want you to remember the things you felt when he was gone." <em>

"I remember." She blurted out. There was a brief silence, before she realized that Damon had no idea what she was talking about. "Like I said, I came here tonight to talk to you, not just because I didn't want to be alone. I want to tell you a lot of things, but part of what I want to tell you is that I remember what I felt while Stefan was gone. I remember, Damon. I never forgot."

The sound of a sarcastic slow clap filled the room, and she blushed a deep red, partly from anger and partly from humiliation.

"Congratulations." He said flatly. "Was that all you wanted to say?"

"Why are you doing this?" She demanded. "Why are you making this so hard. I swear—let me finish!" She yelled, seeing him open his mouth to speak. "I didn't come here to fight with you, Damon. I just… I have to say this. Please just let me say it." He ignored her.

"Why exactly are you here? Congratulations, you remember what you felt when Stefan was gone. Unless you would like to elaborate further as to why you're telling me this..?"

"I don't like seeing you hurt." She told him, hoping that if she ignored his question and apologized she might be able to get back on track with her plan. "I don't want to see you get hurt, OK? Especially not by me. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there for me when Stefan left. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here now. I am so, so sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it, and I shouldn't have said it."

He sighed heavily. "Fine, whatever. Apology accepted. Go home, Elena. You're just saying this because you feel guilty."

"Why are you acting like this?" She demanded, putting her intentions to confess her feelings to the side for the moment. "Even when Stefan's in ripper mode he manages to listen to me!"

Oh, nice going, Elena. Open foot, insert mouth. She fumed at herself, seeing pain flash in Damon's eyes.

"I. Am. Not. Stefan." He told her through gritted teeth. "So maybe you should stop comparing me to him. Besides," he continued, completely ignoring her effort to get a word in edgewise. "You're not even comparing me to a real person. You've built Stefan up to be some kind of paragon of virtue that he's not. The Stefan you know is who he wants to be, Elena. We both know that's not who he actual is, and if you think that's all there is to Stefan, you're lying to yourself."

"I know." She said, trying to get him back, because she could see him disconnecting from the conversation. His eyes were blank; completely devoid of emotion.

So, in an effort to force him to feel something, she called him out on it.

"There you go again, pretending to turn it off; pretending not to feel. I can see it in your eyes. Don't deny it. You feel something, Damon. You admitted it at the ball, and now you won't admit it because you're afraid I'll hurt you again." She paused. "I guess I've earned that. Just please, please listen to me. I'm in love with a Stefan that doesn't exist, I know that now. That's what I realized tonight, that I love both of you. The only difference is that the Stefan I love isn't real, and you are."

"Why are you saying this?" He asked abruptly.

"Why am I saying this, or why do I love you? I love you because we protect each other, Damon. You make me smile, when no one else can. Remember Georgia?" She smiled at the memory, and she thought she saw a flicker of emotion in his eyes. "I love you because, whether you'll admit it or not, you're a better person when I'm around. Because you will never leave me, and you will always choose me; because I understand you, and I see the good in you. Because we always survive, no matter what happens. Because I like you just the way you are, and I don't want you to change. Because you want it to be real, and you waited for me, and then I screwed up." She paused, because he was moving closer to her. Now he was standing just inches away from her, staring at her intensely, and it was making it hard for her to focus.

"I'm saying this right now, tonight, because we **can't** walk away from each other, and we both know it. It's not fair of me not to make a decision, and once I knew it was you, I just had to say it. Don't you get it? I know you do. We have everything: angst, hatred, forgiveness, compassion, sadness, jealousy, anger, tension, attraction, fun, understanding, passion, happiness, sympathy, empathy, fire, protectiveness, honesty, trust, love." She paused. "I love you, Damon. We're Damon and Elena, whether we like it or not. It's right right now."

There was a long moment of silence, before he pulled her into a searing kiss. She responded desperately, as if she had been holding her breath for too long and he was the air she so desperately craved.

After what could have been a minute, an hour, or possibly several blissful days, they broke apart. He wrapped his arms around her and she relaxed against him, reveling in the feeling of being close to him. She rested her head on his chest, and he stroked her hair.

"Mmm," She murmured contentedly, tilting her head back to look him in the eye. There was a long moment where they just stared at each other, memorizing the moment, before she kissed him again.

_Because it's right… _

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><p>Reviews make my day!<p> 


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